You might be an asshole

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s a real f**king asshole)

- by Dennis Leary, The Asshole Song

They say road rage is becoming more of a problem on our highways everywhere. More and more state jurisdictions are trying to crack down on aggressive driving and road rage. Ten states -- Arizona, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Maryland, Nevada, North Carolina, Rhode Island, Utah and Virginia -- have enacted laws making "aggressive driving" a specific offense. The penalty can be up to six months in jail and a $1,000 fine while aggressive driving with intent to injure another person is punishable by up to a year in jail and a $2,500 fine. While aggressive drivers are a huge problem, causing deaths and injuries every year, I’d also like to put some blame on the enablers.

Lately driving is no longer at all pleasurable. The reason is that there are a hell of a lot more assholes on the road driving these days. Rude, obnoxious, nasty, self-centered drivers who have no consideration for anyone else traveling along with them. All I know is getting in my car to drive anywhere these days puts me in a bad mood. Traffic is difficult enough to deal with without the added aggravations of stupid selfish drivers. That’s right, I said it. Stupid and selfish = Asshole. I believe that asshole drivers enable people to lose their minds when they are driving. In no way shape or form am I condoning aggressive driving or road rage. Not at all, I’m just saying that I can understand why people lose their minds on the road when they have to deal with asshole drivers. Perhaps people need to recognize what it is they are doing that makes them an asshole driver. Here is my pick for behavior that drives me crazy. Feel free to add yours.

1. If you do not have any kind of infirmity that I can see which would prohibit your mobility, but you like to park in handicapped spaces, you might be an asshole.
2. If you notice suddenly that you are about to miss your exit or street and veer across 3 or 4 lanes, cutting people short, blocking their way and otherwise making life miserable for everyone else in your haste to make the exit you should have just missed, you might be an asshole.
3. If you actually miss your exit on the highway or your turn off a street and instead of going to the next exit or next street corner, you decide to drive in reverse regardless of oncoming traffic, you are most definitely an asshole.
4. If you drive a huge ass SUV that you can barely control so that when you are driving, you take up two lanes of traffic, and then you compound it by talking on the phone, putting on lipstick or mascara or any other activity that requires you to take one hand off the steering wheel, then you might be an asshole.
5. If the sight of someone’s blinker drives your adrenaline up so much that you must speed up and stop them from getting in front of you, even if all they were doing was trying to merge onto the highway or get off the highway, then you might be an asshole.
6. If you like to cut people off so close and so short with no warning (like using the blinker you moron!) whatsoever so that you cause them to veer, stop short and possibly have an accident, then you might be an asshole.
7. If you like to tail people really close and find yourself leaning on your car horn excessively, you might be an asshole.
8. If you like to sit in the left lane and drive at or below speed regardless of all the people lining up behind you, you might be an asshole.
9. If you love your car so much that you park in such a manner that it becomes impossible for anyone to park in the last remaining spot which happens to be next to your lame ass Toyota Camry. (It’s not like it’s a f**king Bentley or something. Get over yourself!) You might be an asshole.
10. If you unknowingly park in such a manner that it becomes impossible for anyone to park in the last remaining spot which happens to be next to your lame ass minivan or SUV and you can see that you parked badly but still walk away, you might be an asshole.
11. If you tend to brake a lot while driving so that your passengers feel like they are going to hurl, you are probably not an asshole, just a really bad driver.
12. If the subwoofer in your car causes my car to violently tremble in time to your music when you pull up next to me, so that all your seismic movement has shaken my bladder to the point of making me want to go pee, you might be an asshole.
13. If you do not stop, yield or pull over for an ambulance, fire engine or school bus, you are really an asshole.
14. If you have a confederate flag hanging or painted anywhere on your pick up truck along with specially rigged rifle and fishing pole holders, you might be a redneck asshole.
15. If you check and answer emails on your blackberry or IM on your cell phone while you are driving, then you are a dangerous asshole.

If only we could get the asshole drivers on the road, driving might or might not be safer, but it will definitely be more pleasurable again.