Monday, January 14, 2008

Please curb your dog

I hate sh*t. Oh is this some kind of surprise? Listen, just because I like to tell a good fart story once in awhile does not mean I like the brown stuff. Gas will pass, but crap always leaves a mark.

So I just got back from spending the weekend in New York City. My folks moved from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side. Yes, I always found it ironic that my parents waited til the kids were grown to move into the city, but there you have it. They are now living the high life on 70th Street and Riverside Drive. And let me tell you, it is really nice where they live. Overlooking the 72nd Street Pier with a stunning view of the Hudson and the GW Bridge. It would be perfect but for all the piles of dog poop all over the sidewalk. No kidding. Usually there is no poop anywhere near the entrances of the luxury apartments, but because there is a park leading from Riverside down towards the pier, every dog owner in a ten block radius seems to come and walk their dog here. Trouble is, not everyone picks up after their dog. It is a veritable mine field of dog poop piles, and steaming rivers of dog piss. I feel like a military commando ordering my kids around danger zones. The whole time we were walking to a nearby park I'm screaming "Freeze!" "Hang left!" "Jump!" "Don't move!" "Watch it!" I became a demented woman wanting to kick any dog that passed me by. Scratch that, I wanted to kick any dog owner that passed me. Dog owners that don't pick up after their dog are a special kind of asshole.

Hey it ain't the dogs fault that it's owner is too stupid to think of bringing an extra bag just in case the dog has to take a double dump. I mean think of all the pressure to perform the poor dog is under! All he wants to do is take his time, sniff around and take a nice long leisurely dump. But instead their master stands right in front of them, constantly staring at their butthole as if expecting spun gold to shoot out of it. Who can poop under that kind of pressure? Some people can't even go in a public restroom for fear that someone will hear them. Any dog has gotta be thinking that this just sucks. No privacy, no respect. So they barely pinch one out before everything closes up, just to make master happy. And on their way home, they take a moment while master is busy talking on the phone or picking his nose to squeeze out another one. "Crap!" says clueless master. "I don't have another bag so I'm just going to pretend that I didn't see Fifi drop a turd in the middle of Broadway even though there are like a 100 witnesses around." And off they go, leaving the lovely offering in the middle of the sidewalk for some poor unsuspecting slob to step in.

Now don't get me wrong, I love dogs. I really do. But I hate dog owners who don't curb their dog and also who think the public park is a public toilet just for dogs. When my kids go running in the park and come back with dog crap all over their shoes, I want to take the fecal matter to the FBI crime lab, analyze the crap for it's DNA, dog breed, sex and approximate age. Then match it to the offending dog and slowly torture the dog owner to death by burying them alive in 200 tons of elephant poop. There was a lady in our neighborhood who would walk her dog and let the thing poop on any neighbor's front lawn that it felt like. The day I found two little dog turds on my front lawn, I tried to hire a poodle hit man to take it out, but my husband found out and put a stop to my madness. Luckily for the dog, someone let it slip that there was a large reward out on Precious's head, dead or deader. I guess they went into doggie witness protection cause I haven't seen that tiny turd around for a long time.

But how to handle the problem of dog poop? It is clearly not enough that there is the possibility of a fine if you get caught because who in reality is going to enforce this law? And usually the worst offenders are young kids who can barely wipe their own asses let alone remember to grab a plastic baggie and pick up a hot steaming pile of doggy poo. So you know, having a bag on you is just not an excuse anymore. If my kid comes to your house and craps on your floor, I'm sure you are not going to let me walk away from it claiming that I forgot to bring a diaper or some such nonsense. My old boss was training his golden retriever and had gone out with only one bag for waste management. As luck would have it, the dog pooped twice. My old boss had nothing to pick up the second poop with so he scooped it up with his bare hands and dropped it in the garbage. Now that is being a good citizen! But while I applauded his quick thinking, I made it a policy from that point on never to shake his hand again.

29 comments:

Mary Witzl said...

I am STUNNED by your boss's civic-minded gesture! I'd shake his hand -- but then I carry wet-wipes.

Years ago, when I first went to New York, I stayed with someone who lived on 72nd Street. And you're right: even back then there was a lot of dog-do there and you really had to look sharp to avoid stepping in it.

Heads up if you ever visit Amsterdam. I've never seen so much dog-do in one place in all my life.

Wayne said...

Ahem. Or anywhere in France. Never stepped in so much crap in all my life.

Bernita said...

Browns me off too.
We have a poop 'n scoop by-law in our town, instituted about the time I began walking the dog off our property.
I take three bags with me.
In my experience, it's often older dog-walkers who don't bother picking up.
And we've never had skunks or racoons tear into our garbage since I began putting it in our garbage bag ( I used to bury it in the back yard.)

Josephine Damian said...

You ultimately have a winner.

Ello! Jessica has spoken! No surprise, she was impressed. At least you know now that this type of story is not her cup of tea, so you won't waste time querying her.

How to deal with dog poop? Easy. Have cats. lol If I don't scoop those litter boxes enough times a day, my kitties let me know of teir unhappiness in ways that are most unpleasant.

Love the line about "spun gold."

March to the Sea said...

we had a new person move in to the house next to us w/2 dogs..I have yellow snow and cast off cig.butts near my driveway..drives me BONKERS.

Vesper said...

Oh, the "perfumes" on the famous Promenade in Nice, France... Though I'm afraid that dogs aren't the only "guilty"...

Ello, I must ask, are you an undercover famous stand-up comedian?! :-)

There's a little badge for you at my blog. :-)

Lana Gramlich said...

"...shit always leaves a mark." *ROFL!* Ain't it the unfortunate truth. Sorry to hear yet another example of peoples' lack of consideration. (FYI, I have a good friend on Riverside, too. About 30 blocks North, though.)

Ello said...

Oh I've been to Paris and to Cannes and I was going to include it in my post but I forgot. I never saw so much crap in such beautiful areas in my life!! WTF?!!!

JD - I just saw Bookends and I was blown that she liked it! thanks for the heads up!

March, that's just wrong. And actually the cigarette butts would bug me the most especially since you have little Marchs. I had a neighbor do that to me and I went over and very politely asked them to never do that again (but with such a look in my eye that my husband said I was a bit scary). And they stopped.

Vesper - I am raunchier and I curse even more in person. I could never be a comedian because I would get into such a big fight with the first heckler that I would never be allowed on the stage again. And thank you for the badge. Me and my foul mouth are blushing.

cyn said...

i love dogs too.

we have a neighbor across the way that sends his dog out to poo in other people's garden.

he has left several poos in our front garden, and once, i saw him standing there and shooed him away. he actually growled at me!

i hope his owner goes to hell.
i'm not kidding.
and the people who throw gum
on the ground.
i'll see them in hell, too.

watch out.

Anonymous said...

Ello,

You should have also mentioned the inconsiderate parents who don't "curb" their kids in public. Not as frequent a problem as with dogs, but certainly more distubing.

For those that don't quite get what I mean, try hanging out at a kids park from time to time and you'll eventually observe some kid doing their business right on the playground! And I mean #1 but occassionally #2!!!!

Da' Man

Akasha Savage said...

Absolutely agree with you Ello...we have the same problem in England. I love dogs...but some of the owners leave a lot to be desired.

Re vesper's comment: if you're not a stand up comedian...you should me!

:D

Larramie said...

Goodness, Ello, I'm surprised since the sidewalks on New York have always looked clean to me. OTOH, regarding those poor carriage horses around the Park...

Demon Hunter said...

Ello,
I'm not a fan of dogs---at all. But the owners should be held responsible. I live in a rural area, so I don't have to worry about poop. We have a leash law here, and if dogs are running around on their own, people do different things. Mostly call animal control. We have lots of stray animals.

Conduit said...

Ello,

Congrats on the comments at Bookends. :)

I actually came close to getting a dog last week. I went to the pound and took one (a Collie mix called Gandalf) for a test drive around the grounds. In the end, sensible head won, so yet again no dog for me. But when I do get one, I shall remember the two bag rule.

strugglingwriter said...

I've luckily not had to deal with this. Our neighborhood must be pretty good about this. No poop in my yard, other than mine of course (sorry, I couldn't help but be a little gross, given the topic).

ORION said...

Congratulations on the nice pitch!
It's funny though how sometimes people will assume things about a novel they haven't read! LOL
I live in Hawaii and know that there are many stories of WW2 that have not been told...Stereotypes abound...

ORION said...

BTW...
Don't blame me - I have cats that use a litter box and stay INSIDE my boat...LOL

SzélsőFa said...

When I was in the Netherlands in 1994, I was surprised to find dog toilets all over the place. Those are small areas, half-fenced, with a lap-post to pee on and with lots of dog brownies, of course. But the rest of the town was free of dogsh.t.

Now Budapest unfortunately is a completely different story....Some areas are awfully loaded.

We don't live in the capital, but some of our relatives do. When we visit those relatives, we keep telling the kids: 'don't step on the ground'

Sarah Hina said...

Oh, Ello! I'm in stitches again.

I have a 90 lb. dog, so I always make sure to bring industrial strength plastic bags with me. But you want to know the worst part about owners who don't pick up after their dogs?

My dog will eat their doggies' doo-doo. And think it's just dog-gone, doggy delicious.

I am not proud. But damn if he isn't fast, and a real poo scavenger...

The Anti-Wife said...

I'm a good dog owner! Always carry at least 2 pooh bags with me and scoop up my sweet pup's offerings. You have my permission to harm any other dog owner who doesn't. Assholes!

Josephine Damian said...

Sarah: Ewwww...

Ello: I see you have a new group blog, but it's set to "private" - invite only...... is it nudie pics? scathing book reviews? politics? JD is a curious cat.

Lisa said...

I think cities with major dog thoroughfares would do well to invest in those dog poop bag dispensers. My guess is that half of the people who have dogs would pick up after them if they had something to pick up with. Even though they should be prepared, even the best dog owner isn't always.

Church Lady said...

why hasn't anyone invented doggie diapers? There is an industry here, no?

Your boss is gross!!! Ewww! But at least we got a funny story out of it!
:-)

Ello, I posted today on the ALA awards for children's lit. Hope you find it informative....

Merry Monteleone said...

I really have no idea what is wrong with those people!!! I'm a dog person, but I'd never do that - why should other people have to watch out when they walk down the street, worse when they have little kids... Which reminds me, some nitwit dog owner likes to walk his pooch right by the grade school, where people have to walk with their five, six, seven year olds... etc...

Especially fun to look out for in the snow and slush... and how are you supposed to get that out of the tread in junior's boot right before sending him into school?

I just commented over at bookends - yay, you!!! I want to read that book by the way, and not just because I like you. And I think you handled the anonymous commenter really well. It annoys me when people do that - if it's constructive criticism, use your name - if you can't use your name, shut the f#ck up!

Charles Gramlich said...

"Gas will pass, but shit always leaves a mark."

You have a knack for selecting just the right phrasing. This should be a bumper sticker. Or maybe a whole philosophy. Loved it.

Colleen_Katana said...

So...I am EXTREMELY jealous of where your parents live! The boyfriend! and I just moved from our 600sq foot apt in Hell's Kitchen to Brooklyn. Do I love Brooklyn? Not yet--my neighborhood has one, YES ONE, restaurant and that's it. And Hell's Kitchen had 5 before you even walked half a block. Anyway, good for them.

Oh, and the boyfriend! and I always pick up our doggies poo!

Jennifer L. Griffith said...

"But I hate dog owners who don't curb their dog and also who think the public park is a public toilet just for dogs."

This is a BIG pet peeve (ha) of mine as well. This past weekend, I encountered several plops of poop right on the cross-country course where I skied. (yes, my knee is getting better, Ello!! Woohoo.)

My neighbor's dogs always seem to find my yard convenient for their poop dumps as well...and we are SURROUNDED by forest and each house sits on 3-acre lots!! Go figure.

Gosh, even long-haul truckers bag their crap. (so I've recently learned-YIKES!!!!!!!!)

Aw, the joys of other people's dogs...

judexyz123 said...

My neighbors constantly allow their dogs to poop on our lawn and they never scoop up nor do they walk with bags to scoop up.
I love dogs but some dog owners on Cape May Street in Englewood, New Jersey do not respect the law nor do they have respect for their neighbors' property.
I am setting up a camera to catch them in the act of not scooping up after their dogs. I am tired of scooping other people's dog mess on my property.

Toe Knee said...

You got your wish - a suburb in Tel Aviv is using DNA to identify the culprits :)