Please curb your dog

I hate sh*t. Oh is this some kind of surprise? Listen, just because I like to tell a good fart story once in awhile does not mean I like the brown stuff. Gas will pass, but crap always leaves a mark.

So I just got back from spending the weekend in New York City. My folks moved from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side. Yes, I always found it ironic that my parents waited til the kids were grown to move into the city, but there you have it. They are now living the high life on 70th Street and Riverside Drive. And let me tell you, it is really nice where they live. Overlooking the 72nd Street Pier with a stunning view of the Hudson and the GW Bridge. It would be perfect but for all the piles of dog poop all over the sidewalk. No kidding. Usually there is no poop anywhere near the entrances of the luxury apartments, but because there is a park leading from Riverside down towards the pier, every dog owner in a ten block radius seems to come and walk their dog here. Trouble is, not everyone picks up after their dog. It is a veritable mine field of dog poop piles, and steaming rivers of dog piss. I feel like a military commando ordering my kids around danger zones. The whole time we were walking to a nearby park I'm screaming "Freeze!" "Hang left!" "Jump!" "Don't move!" "Watch it!" I became a demented woman wanting to kick any dog that passed me by. Scratch that, I wanted to kick any dog owner that passed me. Dog owners that don't pick up after their dog are a special kind of asshole.

Hey it ain't the dogs fault that it's owner is too stupid to think of bringing an extra bag just in case the dog has to take a double dump. I mean think of all the pressure to perform the poor dog is under! All he wants to do is take his time, sniff around and take a nice long leisurely dump. But instead their master stands right in front of them, constantly staring at their butthole as if expecting spun gold to shoot out of it. Who can poop under that kind of pressure? Some people can't even go in a public restroom for fear that someone will hear them. Any dog has gotta be thinking that this just sucks. No privacy, no respect. So they barely pinch one out before everything closes up, just to make master happy. And on their way home, they take a moment while master is busy talking on the phone or picking his nose to squeeze out another one. "Crap!" says clueless master. "I don't have another bag so I'm just going to pretend that I didn't see Fifi drop a turd in the middle of Broadway even though there are like a 100 witnesses around." And off they go, leaving the lovely offering in the middle of the sidewalk for some poor unsuspecting slob to step in.

Now don't get me wrong, I love dogs. I really do. But I hate dog owners who don't curb their dog and also who think the public park is a public toilet just for dogs. When my kids go running in the park and come back with dog crap all over their shoes, I want to take the fecal matter to the FBI crime lab, analyze the crap for it's DNA, dog breed, sex and approximate age. Then match it to the offending dog and slowly torture the dog owner to death by burying them alive in 200 tons of elephant poop. There was a lady in our neighborhood who would walk her dog and let the thing poop on any neighbor's front lawn that it felt like. The day I found two little dog turds on my front lawn, I tried to hire a poodle hit man to take it out, but my husband found out and put a stop to my madness. Luckily for the dog, someone let it slip that there was a large reward out on Precious's head, dead or deader. I guess they went into doggie witness protection cause I haven't seen that tiny turd around for a long time.

But how to handle the problem of dog poop? It is clearly not enough that there is the possibility of a fine if you get caught because who in reality is going to enforce this law? And usually the worst offenders are young kids who can barely wipe their own asses let alone remember to grab a plastic baggie and pick up a hot steaming pile of doggy poo. So you know, having a bag on you is just not an excuse anymore. If my kid comes to your house and craps on your floor, I'm sure you are not going to let me walk away from it claiming that I forgot to bring a diaper or some such nonsense. My old boss was training his golden retriever and had gone out with only one bag for waste management. As luck would have it, the dog pooped twice. My old boss had nothing to pick up the second poop with so he scooped it up with his bare hands and dropped it in the garbage. Now that is being a good citizen! But while I applauded his quick thinking, I made it a policy from that point on never to shake his hand again.