Queen of Farts

***WARNING - VULGAR AND CRASS POSTING AHEAD***

So I have been analyzing my visitor stats lately and have found that at least twice a day, some one always happens on to my blog after searching for "Farts." If you google "funny things about farts" you will find my blog comes up third. If you google "sneezing and farting at the same time" my middle child is second to someone claiming to be a "Bad American." The number one key words for how people find my blog are 'farting' and 'funny.' All this makes me wonder if I should change my blog title to Random Acts of Farting.

This all reminds me of a woman I used to work with years ago. I had just moved back down to Washington, DC after working in New York for a few years. One of the legal secretaries, who worked for a major partner, was affectionately nicknamed the Queen of Farts. And you would never know it from looking at her. She was an older woman with dark blonde hair she styled in a short very fashionable cut and a lovely patrician face. She was the picture of gentility. You would never picture her for the public farting type, but there you have it, looks are completely deceiving. She would announce to everyone that she was lactose intolerant but had to have alot of milk with all the coffee she consumed. This was in lieu of any sort of apology for the cacophony of sound and odor that would later assault all our senses. Whenever she got up from her desk to walk to the bathroom after one of her many cups of coffee, she would sneak a squeek with every step she took. It sounded like an angry goose honking down our hallway. One day I was stuck in a bathroom stall next to her when she apparently decided to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony into the toilet. Let me tell you, the acoustics in the bathroom were quite impressive. I ran out of the bathroom and laughed my ass off outside the women's room door where I could still her loud and clear. I do believe that she sustained one fart note in A# for at least 30 seconds.

One thing I loved about the Queen of Farts was how matter of fact she was about her gasiness and how she never seemed embarassed by it. I could never be so free and casual about farting in public. I have farting stage fright around other people. When someone is around, I can't make a sound. This gas won't pass my ass, alas. However, I will belch louder than a drunken frat boy. I have burped in public unintentionally many a time. In fact, during one corporate meeting at my first firm, I sat at the end of a very long conference table with 50 other attorneys. Having stupidly grabbed a diet coke to sip during the meeting, there was no controlling the bubble that began to creep up my throat. Unfortunately right after the Corporate Head Partner had ranted at our group about our poor hours and right when the room had turned completely silent in sullen resentment, the bubble flew out of my throat sounding like a seal's bark. I remember every head turning in my direction like something out of a movie. I myself turned my head as if to stare disapprovingly at the person sitting next to me. Only thing was that I was the last person seated at the conference table. I have never lived down that particular shame.

The only person who grossed us out more than the Queen of Farts was the Boogerman. He was a corporate partner who had graduated from Harvard and Yale Law school, who was very nice and very smart but had a terrible habit of picking his nose and wiping his boogers on any nearby available surface. I will never forget the day I went to pick up a contract I had drafted and that he was supposed to provide comments on. His secretary had it waiting for me and her face said it all. She handed me the document and I immediately noticed three small piles of grey gunk stuck to the front sheet. She said, "I took the liberty of circling some additional changes I feel you should probably make." It was then I noticed that she had circled the boogers with a big red marker. I had to stuff my fist in my hand to keep from shrieking in laughter and disgust. I still can't really remember how I got through redrafting that contract with those nasty boogers smeared all over the front page. And it really grossed me out to even touch any of the pages. I was always a little OCD, but you can see how instances like this made me more OCD. And as much as I desperately wanted to return the document as is, I remember throwing away the first page as I didn't want to return the document with his boogers circled like an accusation of improper hygiene. After all, he was the boss. And no boss likes looking a fool in front of his subordinates.

Now the only farts and boogers I have to deal with are delivered lovingly by my three beautiful girls and Da Man. Farts still make me laugh and boogers still gross me out. But I can still out belch everyone around me.