Random Funny Things My Kids Say - Part 5

Lately Angus has been asking for a skinnier winter coat. She inherited a very nice warm Land’s End winter coat from Oldest, but it is very puffy and she complains that it makes her look like a blue snowman. Oldest now has a long less puffy black winter coat which Angus covets. It is not as warm but Angus just doesn’t care about that. At six she has already decided that it is better “too look good then to feel good, dahling!” However, she has a perfectly good coat and I have told her a million times now that she is not getting a new coat this winter.

So we were driving in the car when Angus announces that she wants to tell me a story. Sure I say, go ahead.

“Once upon a time there was a big, huge, ugly monster with blue hair and green skin and long needles for fingers and sharp knives for teeth and he was really really strong and he ate children and he lived in a big snowy cave. One day a group of children were sledding on the hill when their sled fell into a hole in the middle of the ground and dropped them down into the monster’s cave. The children saw the big monster running to get them and they were screaming and running and finally they saw a small little hole in the middle of a wall that was the only exit in the entire cave.”

“Wait a minute, back up. How come there is a hole in the middle of a hill like that? Didn’t someone see it and report it? Wouldn’t they fix it? Wouldn’t the police have found the hole and captured the monster?” oldest asks.

“Be quiet, this is my story,” Angus says. “And so the children all squeeze out of the little hole except for one little girl who has a big puffy coat. Her coat is sooooo puffy, she can’t get out and the monster catches her and eats her up.”

“Did he eat her coat and her boots too?” Youngest asks.

“Yes!”

“Yucky!” Youngest cries. (Apparently eating a coat and boots are yuckier to her than eating a child.)

“And the other children got out safely because they all wore skinny coats and then they cried and cried about their friend cause they missed her lots,” Angus says.

“Why didn’t the little girl just take off her coat?” Oldest asks.

“Because there wasn’t enough time,” Angus says.

“Maybe it wasn’t the coat, maybe the little girl was too fat,” the skeptic says.

“NO SHE WASN’T FAT! HER COAT MADE HER FAT, THAT’S ALL!” Angus shouts. “If her mother had bought her a skinnier coat, she would have made it out of the cave safely and she wouldn't have been eaten.”

“But why doesn’t the monster just break through the hole and eat all the other children too?” Oldest asks.

“Because he doesn’t fit in the small hole!”

"But you said he's really strong..."

"He is really strong!"

“So how does he eat if he can’t get out of the cave?” Oldest asks.

“He eats whatever falls in from the top of the cave like squirrels and mice and rabbits…”

“And children!” shrieks youngest.

“Well he can’t be such a strong monster if he can’t get out of the cave,” Oldest says.

“Yes he is! But the cave is made out of metal and he can’t get out.."

"Caves aren't made from metal! You don't know what you are talking about!"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, you’re giving me a headache!” Angus is angry.

Oldest rolls her eyes. “Just because your story doesn’t make a lot of sense…”

“MOMMY! She’s being mean to me!”

“AM NOT! And the only reason you told that story was cause you want Mom to feel guilty and buy a new coat for you even after she told you a hundred times that you can’t have a new coat so who is being mean now?”

“THAT’S NOT WHY I TOLD THE STORY!”

“IS TOO!”

“IS NOT!”

“IS TOO!”

“YOU’RE A MONKEY FACE!”

“AND YOU SMELL!”

“EVERYONE BE QUIET THIS INSTANCE!” I shout out as I see Youngest grinning in her seat with her hands over her ears.

All is quiet in the car for a few minutes when I see Angus (who sits right behind me) lean forward as far as she can and whisper something to me.

“Um, so Mommy, do you think you could please please PLEASE buy me a skinny coat?” she whispers.

“HA! I KNEW IT!” shouts Oldest from the very back row.

I think I need a drink.