32 Entries Ready for Reader's Choice!

Copyright Thadman available via Flickr.com

1. That new Charmin, they say its ultra soft but my ass feels red... can you confirm it is indeed red, because it sure as hell feels red.
- Todd, March to the Sea

2. Monkey see, Monkey poo.
- Chris Eldin,Former Church Lady

3. Why, yes Gladys, it is your best side, but your breath is atrocious from this angle.
- Merry Monteleone, Mom and More

4. Call for you on line toot.
- Charles Gramlich, Razored Zen

5. I keep inserting quarters, but nothing happens. Worst Jukebox ever!
- Paul Liadis, The Struggling Writer

6. A true story by Bud Weiser

First date. Dawn orders a wine. I assume it is a beer/wine place so I ordered a Budweiser. Now begins the adventure:

Dawn: Bud, Dawn needs to know something.” (Oh my God, I thought, she is talking in the third person.) Dawn knows that she is a great catch for Bud. She is young, pretty and bright. Now Dawn does understand that Bud has four children. Dawn would like to get very serious with Bud. Would Bud have a child with Dawn?
Bud: Could at least we have dinner first?
Dawn: Dawn thinks Bud is a very funny man. But seriously, would Bud have a child with Dawn?
Bud: (I am very experienced with this type of question. I have been single for all but three years since 1990.) Dawn, yes I have four kids. I love kids. Why wouldn’t I have another?
Dawn: Dawn thinks this is REALLY encouraging. Dawn thinks that she and Bud will be together a long time.
Bud: (Now if she means that I’ll probably eat my grinder before leaving, than “yes.” It will be a LONG time) Waitress!
Waitress: Yes, Sir.
Bud: Do you have any real alcohol here?
Waitress: Why yes, sir. What can I get you?
Bud: Smirnoff, please.
Waitress: With what?
Bud: A glass and some ice. And quickly, very quickly.
Dawn: Dawn is SO happy this is going so well!!

I paid the check. Dawn asked, “Would Bud like to see Dawn’s apartment?” I paused, smiled and said, “Dawn, as you said, this went so well, why spoil it?”
-- Bud Weiser, WTIT Tape Radio

*******

7. On meeting his daughter-in-law for the first time, Daddy Rhesus realized two things. One, she had a wacky sense of humor. Two, he really needed glasses.
- Mary Whitsell, Resident Alien

8. Okay, Barney, I believe you. And yes, it IS your iPod now. But you're gonna buy me a new one you sick sonofabitch.
- Blogless Troll, Underneath the Bridge

9. No, for the last time! It does NOT look like the Virgin Mary!
- Blogless Troll

10. Hey, don't blame me. You're the one who ate the remote. Now hold still. SportsCenter's coming on.
- Blogless Troll

11. This is what I think of your @#$%^*&)#ed SUV, you apeshit bitch!
-- Lana Gramlich, The Dreaming Tree

12. True story by Anonymouse
I'm only sending you my entry because I think it will win the prize but you must promise me to keep my identity hidden and protect my secret shame.

When I was doing real estate I used to show alot of houses. One time I had an open house in a lovely old colonial house all done up tastefully. Unfortunately I am lactose intolerant but had taken a little too much milk with the coffee I had been downing all day. During a particularly long slow session where I was all alone in the house with no one coming by for at least 45 minutes, I finally let one rip. It was so bad I offended myself. As luck would have it, not 5 minutes after I had farted, a young happy couple came in to see the house. I welcomed them, trying not to flush at the lingering funky odor. They woman crinkled her nose and discreetly tried to turn away from the stink, but the man took a deep sniff and gave me a puzzled expression. "Excuse me," he said. "Is that like a spicy curry I smell? Are the homeowners Indian?" I shook my head no just as the wife turned and noticed the large family portrait of a very white family hanging in the living room. Thankfully, the couple decided to leave quickly without looking any further at the house, before I could die of complete mortification.
-- Whatever you do Do Not Post My Name or I Will Kill You

13. Pheromones, huh? Are you sure this is the way Chanel got started?
-- The Anti-Wife, The Anti-wife blogspot


14. No, for the last time, I told you I don't want to play doctor again!
-- Selah P.

15. During rehearsals for Snow White, the cast realized that someone had eaten the stage apple when Benny decided to improvise his role as the Wicked Stepmother offering Snow White a poisoned apple. He was wildly successful.
-- Alexandra B.

16. Proof that husband-humans and monkeys share the same ancestor.
-- Aerin, In Search of Giants

17. Clem and Gertrude pose for Fetish Monkey Weekly.
-- Aerin

18. "Oh sure, you couldn't have told me that before I went to the dentist?"
-- Aerin

19. Title: Camping Trip
By Jason Evans

"Mom? What's Dad doing?"

"I don't know. Just go back to sleep."

"You know, it's really not safe over here. The cars are like whizzing at 90 miles an hour."

"They're not going that fast."

"They're going fast enough."

"Don't worry. Everyone can see us. If we needed to stop longer, Daddy would've backed along the shoulder behind that hill."

"Mom?"

"Yes hon."

"Dad's opening the tailgate of the truck. His face is all red."

"I know."

"What's he doing?"

"Don' t you want to watch your movie?"

"He's climbing in the bed, Mom."

"Yes. Can you please not watch?"

"He's opening the porta-potty Is it leaking? Is that the problem?"

"Maybe. Can you--"

"He just fell, Mom."

"Yeah, I felt it."

"Now, he's sitting on the porta-potty. He's hiding his face."

"Me too."

"Someone just honked, Mom."

"I'm turning up the radio."

"Dad caught my stomach flu, didn't he?"

Sigh.

"Oh look! The policeman is stopping to help him!"

-- Jason Evans, The Clarity of Night

20. "Yes, your ass looks big in that."
-- Sarah Hina, Murmurs

21. "You damn, dirty ape."
-- Sarah Hina

22. Well...it worked with tin cans. Can you hear me now?
-- Larissa Uredi, Dickens Challenge and Thoughts for Life

23. Why are things always in the last place we look for them?
-- Larissa Uredi

24. I told you not to sleep with that hooker in Vegas!
-- Larissa Uredi

25. "I've looked a hundred times! It must've been an optical illusion or something. The sun, definitely, does NOT shine out of there!"
-- Jane Volker, Whittering On...

26. "I'm sure that yoga is amazing for your sense of well-being but I gotta ask -- where's the dignity?"
-- Jane Volker

27. "Thank you for your assistance Mr. Miniature Wooly Mammoth ... and you definitely haven't seen my cousin passing through this way?
-- Jane Volker

28. "I don't think when EE (Evil Editor) asked if you pulled that caption out of your ass it was a compliment."
-- Anonymouse 28

29. "No, no, no. It's the name of a blog, you idiot." (in reference to "Devour Books. Poop Words.")
-- Minnie Mouse 29

30. "Hmm. Yes, that's exactly what Kishu Ume tasted like."
-- Mickey Mouse 30

31. "Harry! How many times do I gotta tell you that Richard Gere and the gerbil story was just an urban legend!!!"
-- Anonymouse 31

32. "And if you lean real close and wait a minute, you will be able to enjoy Beethoven's Fifth Symphony...... Yes, come a little closer..... Any moment now."
-- Anonymouse 32

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