Monday, April 14, 2008

Poisoned Pig

Pig is angry
See Pig stomp about in fury
Pig was sick as a dog all weekend
Pig was poisoned
Pig was poisoned by Da'Man
Da'Man made a big mistake
Poisoning only made Pig really really really sick
Really really really really really really really really sick
Pig is very angry
See Da'Man run
Run Da'Man run
Run for your very life

I've been suffering from allergies lately which means my sense of smell is completely out of whack. Apparently on Saturday my husband decided to cook up some rancid meat for lunch. Thank the Lord he didn't serve the meat to the kids. Turns out the meat had been left uncooked in the fridge for 5 days and he was not quite sure what the expiration date for the meat might have been prior to that. Since he has no sense of smell and the meat was highly seasoned, he cooked it up. I was unable to smell if it was off because my sinuses are filled with pollen and I have a constant nasal drip. But I remember thinking it tasted just a tad funny. A few hours later, this little piggy was so sick, it made the recent dental trip look like a day at a luxury spa resort. Unfortunately, the same piece of meat did not make my husband sick because he is part vulture and can eat rotted carrion meat with tabasco and have no ill effect.

I have yet to decide how I will inflict my masterful revenge. Shall I unspool all his fishing lines and replace them with dental floss? Shall I shave off one of his eyebrows while he is sleeping? Shall I put a slow leak into his favorite basketball? Shall I send embarrassing photos of him to everyone at his office? Or shall I just satisfy myself with blogging about how he unsuccessfully tried to kill me? I think I shall let it be a surprise.

24 comments:

Larramie said...

So sorry, Ello. This allergy season is bringing enough suffering without the ingestion of rancid meat. {shudder}



While usually not one for revenge, this time Da Man needs to pay.

Precie said...

Oh, noooooooooo. Not good. I'm glad you're feeling well enough now to consider revenge. That's a good sign.

While I like the eyebrow idea, I suspect something more subtle would work better and not spark a vendetta. I agree with larramie...Da Man must pay.

Sarah Hina said...

Poor pig! :(

I think he's just trying to help you out so you have funny things to post. What a prince! ;)

But if you want to post embarrassing photos of him for us, I would not object.

J. L. Krueger said...

Ell,

We need to exchange spouses...

DaWife tried to poison me a few years back. Only she did it with pills.

I'm allergic to all "cillins" (like penicillin and all its friends)...one of the very rare times I was sick, she (being all-knowing nurse) dosed me some "cillin"...forgetting that I was allergic...I survived too.

I've been plotting my revenge for years.

At least we have something funny to write about!

;)

girl with the mask said...

The old 'clean the loo with his toothbrush' trick seems the only one applicable to me, I'm afraid!

girlwiththemask c

Colleen_Katana said...

Ohhhhh yuck! That's like the time the boyfriend! fixed me my cup of coffee in the morning (sweet, yes) but didn't notice that the milk was curdled. CURDLED. Projectile vomiting ensued.

moonrat said...

poor ello :(

Aerin said...

Oh, I like the cleaning the toilet one.

cyn said...

"Unfortunately, the same piece of meat did not make my husband sick because he is part vulture and can eat rotted carrion meat with tabasco and have no ill effect."

HAHAHAHAHA!

oh ello. i'm sorry. that's awful. i do hope you are feeling better. yech!!!

pacatrue said...

I think you should keep offering him those salted plums whenever he least expects it. Make sure he always thinks he's going to get something sweet and yummy. Seduce him, blindfold him, stick a nasty plum in his mouth, and run away.

blogless_troll said...

I'm gonna have to take the unpopular stance of siding with Da Man on this one. I've found that accidentally serving spoiled food is rather easy to do. And remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Tabasco makes you stronger too, plus it kills microorganisms. That's the real lesson here.

Funny as always, Ello.

Merry Monteleone said...

Oh my... oh, my... I just have nothing good to add here, poor ello -

now that I think of it, poor da man, cuz I'm guessing he's in for something far, far worse....

spyscribbler said...

Oh, wow! Ohmigosh, that is horrible! Did he at least hold youe head while you vomited? Tell me he didn't make a run for it!

jjdebenedictis said...

Poor thing. Food poisoning is just awful; you have my complete empathy on that count. I hope you're feeling better now.

WordVixen said...

Oh Lord. I've just contracted sympathy nausea. I need warnings before I read these things!

Where's my ginger? I need ginger! (good for nausea, but not, unfortunately, for projectile vomit)

JaneyV said...

I once cooked load of sausages for a party (it wasn't even my party - I was just being helpful!). There must have been 30 people there and 3 of them got violently ill - everyone else (including me) was fine. However I still felt terrible.

Hope you're feeling better soon .... there are many wonders that can be performed with photoshop!

Charles Gramlich said...

Perhaps your husband didn't get sick because he took the antidote just before eating.

Mmmh, did I say that out loud?

I truly am sorry you felt so bad, though

Lisa said...

Oh E, you have had a rough few days!

Melissa Marsh said...

I like sending embarassing photos to his buddies at work. ;-)

So sorry you're feeling like crap! Allergies are bad enough without throwing food poisoning on top of it! Feel better soon...(and are you going through the boxes of kleenex like I am? Sheesh! It's getting ridiculous!)

Patti said...

college kids call it "shaming". take a sharpie, and while husband is asleep, in a very deep sleep, give him some "face art"...do it and post pics please....

Lana Gramlich said...

Oh my! You're just having one hell of a week, aren't you? Poor, poor piggie! *big hugs*
(FYI, Charles has no sense of smell, either. What are the odds?)

Anonymous said...

Da' Man talking aloud:

Ello, I'm so sorry about the whole episode! I will definitely make it up to you!

Da' Man thinking to himself:

Seems kind of unfair as the day before, a fishing trip I've been looking forward to (and booked)since last year fell through at the last minute . . . trophy season catch & release rockfish!

Yet, does Ello blog about my disappointment and sadness. No.

Does she say how I strained to keep my composure over the fish that were not to be. No.

Does she appreciate how I fought through this all as I tried to help her out by letting her sleep in a bit and then making lunch for the family before I had to go and coach oldest's soccer game. No.

Pain? . . . misery? . . . the smallest rockfish caught the same day last year was 42" long!!!

Dang! . . . I should posion her.

Demon Hunter said...

Oh no, Ello. I hope you're better. Men can eat anything. They think all they have to do is microwave it, and it's okay. Yikes.

Mary Witzl said...

Poor you, but think of the mileage you can get from this! Yaaay!

My husband has these lapses of judgment too, bless him. Until we got married, he didn't know that you were supposed to decant the contents of cans and not leave them uncovered in the refrigerator for up to a week.