Why my Minivan is better than your Monster SUV

Warning - Rant.

Yesterday I was nearly run off the road by a very large, very black Suburban SUV. The woman, who was too busy talking on the phone to realize that she had cut me off, forcing me to ride the curb for 10 seconds, is a mom at my youngest kid's school. Miss Ihavemoremoneythanyoucoulddreamabout Shithead has two kids that go to there. Yes, 2 kids. Not, 4 or 6. Just 2. Why does she need a huge ass Suburban to lug around 2 kids? Because she is an asshole.

When I was younger, the thought of driving a minivan seemed incredibly uncool. No way I'm driving a minivan, is what I would say. But after having kids, I fell in love with the Honda Odyssey. Yes a minivan with sliding doors and back seats that fold completely flat and that isn't hideously ugly. Convenience and safety. Plus I get 25 miles to the gallon on the highway and my engine is smart enough to shut off some of its cylinders for fuel efficiency when cruising. I couldn't ask for anything more. But in my neck of the woods, there are still alot of people out here who think minivans terribly uncool and wouldn't be caught dead in one. That's fine, I respect this. Except when they then feel they must buy a monster SUV.

Don't get me wrong, I like SUV's. They are fun and sporty and guzzle alot of gas. They are cool and sleek and guzzle alot of gas. What is there not to love, right? But monster SUV's? If you live in an urban area, why do you need a Suburban? Seriously, if you are not hauling bales of hay and livestock through four wheeling territory, what possible need is there for a huge ass, gas guzzling monster SUV? When I pull up to the gas station after a Suburban or Expedition drives away, and I see $90 rung up on the meter, I just about fall over laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. But then when I think about how much gas those monster SUVs are using up, causing the price of gas to rise for the rest of us, it's not so funny.

Let me clarify that I am not aiming this post at all Suburban, Expedition, Escalade, Tahoe, etc. drivers. Some of you have legitimate business and family reasons for driving a 10 mile to the gallon, gas hogging environmental hazard that are too heavy for most of our residential roads, causing more and more frequent road damage that all of us taxpayers must bear the burden for. Hey if you have an important reason that overrides these issues, then I won't blame you. Except if you drive a Hummer, cause if you are driving a 10,000 lb Hummer around residential areas just for the hell of it, then you are a prick. But most Hummer drivers know this already about themselves so this should come as no surprise.

However, those monster SUV drivers out there who think they look so cool in your huge ass SUV, a word of advice. It is a good idea to learn how to drive a big car first. When I was first learning how to drive, my parents got me a big old chevy caprice. The thing was huge, I hated it, but because of that car, I can drive anything big without any hesitation. My parallel parking is a thing of 3 point beauty. But from what I have seen, most others learn to drive in small cars and bring their small car mentality to their new big cars. And then what happens? Sucky bad drivers.
Maybe there should be a separate drivers' license exam for the monster SUV's. After all, they are for all purposes a truck. There is a practical element to this idea, after all these huge vehicles all weigh in at over 3 tons (6,000 pounds!!) while most cars and minivans weigh in between 2,000 and 4,000 pounds. That means you've got some real bad drivers out there driving vehicles that weigh one or two tons more than the average car or minivan. Talk about not liking those statistics. And let's face it, we have all seen the bad drivers out there. The ones that drive in both lanes of traffic because they can't judge how big their cars are. The ones that drift into your lane. The ones that park over two spaces. The ones that park 5 feet from the curb and out into the traffic lane. We all have stories. We all despise them.

Like Miss Ifyouarenotatmysociallevelnevertalktome Dumbass who is about 5 feet tall and looks like an elaborately dressed Prada munchkin behind the wheel of her truck. If you aren't 6 feet tall, you have got to be part monkey to get in and out of those things. And if you are wearing a skirt? I see London, I see France, I can see your underpants. And Miss Iworkoutwithapersonaltrainereveryday Monkeybutt thinks she is one hot mama and likes to wear really low low rider pants. In fact, I have seen the crack of her ass one too many times. But I seriously hate the fact that I gotta be on the streets at the same time that she is. The woman is a menace. She drives real fast, breaks really suddenly so that you hear and smell rubber burning. Her poor kids must suffer from chronic whip lash. She drives with the mentality that because she is in a big car, you need to watch her. I can't even count the number of times she has caused another car to spin out in an attempt to avoid hitting her.

So yesterday, I came to the 4 way stop near my kid's school before SUV mom. But as I proceeded to cross into the intersection, Miss IfIwasn'tsorichI'dbetrailertrash Asshole gunned a left turn and cut in front of me, causing me to ride the curb. I leaned on my horn, but the Odyssey has a very wimpy horn. It's more like a Meep Meep Meeeeeeeeeeeep. Like I sat on a sesame street muppet. Not very intimidating. And Miss Mynailsaresomuchmoreimportantthanyourlife Dipshit just drove away at like 60 miles an hour on a residential street. However, she was going into the school parking lot, just like me. And when I arrived, I had the pleasure of watching her park her car in front of the orange cones that mean no parking, and run her two kids in while I pulled into a spot muttering like a schizophrenic. Youngest tried to ask me what a plucking itch was but I gave her a piece of gum to distract her.

As I fumed walking into the school, out walks Miss Myboobscostmorethanyourhouse Asswipe. I stop right in front of her, holding Youngest's little hand, I smile real big and I say very loudly in a really friendly voice, "Hey! Thanks ever so much for running me off the road back at that four way stop! I absolutely love the way you whipped out in front of me even though you came to the 4 way intersection after me! And boy what an absolute adrenaline rush for me, trying to regain control of my car and not crash into the front of someone's house. THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!" I am practically shouting into her face as she edges past me and breaks into a run. "Oh come on! Where you going? That was so much fun? Let's do it again! But next time, I'll run you off the road, ok? OKAY?"

Miss IamsomuchbetterthanyouIpeeDomPerignon Bimbette can't run away fast enough and I am not doing much better judging from the funny looks the other parents are giving me as they walk in and out of the school. And at that very moment, I had an epiphany. Man, I don't belong at this pre-school. There are way too many pretentious posers here. I am beer in champagne land. I am a 1979 Chevy Caprice in the land of brand new Mercedes and Range Rovers. I am a hot dog in a lobster world. I am too loud, too in your face. I drive a minivan, worry about the environment and want my kids to be good people. They drive luxury SUVS, screw the environment and want their kids to know they will always be better than everyone else. I don't like them. They don't like me. I have no friends here and that is just fine with me. I have nothing in common with these people. And I just don't care. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. And if you mess with me, I will call you out. I might do it in an unexpected way (I try not to scream obscenities in front of the kids), but I will eventually let you know exactly what I think.