Tuesday, May 6, 2008

HA HA!!!!

Since I have told you all that my maiden name is Ha and my married name is Oh, it is time to talk about the power of having an Interjection for your name.

Yes, the laughs and the sorrow, ha ha, and oh no.

Yes, the disbelief, "Your name is an exclamation?"

Yes, the jokes, "Ms. Ha? So where's your brother Mr. Ho?" "Your family reunions must be a barrel of laughs."

Har, har. Note - not HA HA. For Har connotes sarcasm. HA connotes humor. HA HA means I laugh in your face you stupid cow. Seriously, only a true Ha can HA HA someone with real true force. Anyone else that HA HAs is HA HAing without having any backing. But if you are a Ha, your HA HA has the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. It's in our blood. No other HA HA is like it. Except for Nelson Muntz from the Simpsons, that kid is good. But all others, bow down before the master, and I'll show you the proper way to HA HA. For example:

1. So I am standing here watching as your bratty kid smushes all the Kit Kat bars and Reeces Peanut Butter cups in the grocery aisle while you stand and watch indulgently, never once admonishing her to stop mangling the wares that someone else now cannot buy. What a little turd. I mean you, not the brat. Awwwww, poor thing just hit her head walking like a dumbass into the corner of my shopping cart that she was standing next to the whole time and now she is screaming her head off like I do when I inadvertently catch Paris Hilton on cable pretending to act. Oh yeah, that painful. You don't look so snooty arrogant anymore. You don't look so indulgent anymore. In fact, you look as if you have really bad hemorroids and haven't been able to take a crap in a few weeks. And no matter what you do, the little drama queen won't stop shrieking and everyone is looking at you like you are the worst mother of the year. I feel it coming. I really do. I can't control it... HA HA! Sucks to be you!

2. Hey, look at you multi-tasking as you are driving. Don't you have such a crick in your neck from holding your phone like that? And is that the largest size Starbucks coffee drink you could get? The Vexme? The Vanity? Or some shee shee poo poo sounding Italian term like that. Yeah, I never use those frou frou terms. I'm a peasant and the sizes are small, medium or large not Tall, Grounday, and Vendreday. Hello! The light's green. You can go now......... Any day now. I'd toot my horn but it is such a wimpy little thing, I'll let the big mac truck behind me blast his instead. I'm covering my ears. WHOOOOOHOOOOOOO! That was loud. Did that startle you? Did you spill your Vexme all over yourself? HA HA! (Here I pull around the driver to make eye contact and exaggerate my mouth and point my index finger so you know I'm laughing at you even though you can't hear me.)

3. So I am walking to the Target counter with my one item and you happen to see me and decide you need to rush past me to the one cashier that is open with your overflowing cart of scented candles, throw rugs and cheap household products. You immediately started unloading your tremendous load of crap as I stand behind you with my one single freaking item cursing you for the selfish miserable turd that you are for cutting in front of me instead of giving me the courtesy of going first. Oh look, your total is over $200.00. Wait, did your credit card get declined? I'm beginning to smile. Here goes credit card number 2. It got declined too?! Don't look at me and explain about your husband giving you the wrong cards, I don't give a crap. Here comes the Amex card. Ok, there is no limit on that sucker so that should work. WTF? It doesn't work either? You have to leave your stuff behind? Aw, too bad, so sad. HA, HA! (This is most effective behind your back as you walk out trying to look dignified.)

4. I am at the movie theaters trying to enjoy the movie, but you won't stop talking loudly and laughing, even during a dramatic scene. My loud hushes only cause you to talk louder and what the hell is that smell? Did you just sneak a squeak? Oh, no you took off your stinking shoes and is now your stank ass foot near my head. Fortunately, I carry a large safety pin in my purse. I surreptitiously fold my arms and stab your foot with the pin in a quick jabbing motion. Before you begin to scream obsenities, I throw the pin onto the ground and kick it several rows ahead. When you do attack me, I scream for help and have the ushers come and usher you away. As you are leaving, I let out a loud HA HA! This causes the audience to cheer in delight and also join in the HA HAing.

This concludes our lesson on HA HAing for today. Remember, if you are not laughing at someone, then someone is probably laughing at you. So beat them to it.

16 comments:

Conduit said...

Wow, Ello, did you have a bad day or something?!

:D

blogless troll said...

HA HA! This is hilarious.

Mary Witzl said...

I'm more of a heh-heh-heh person myself, but the things that make you mad are also the ones that make me mad. Amazing how many people seem never to have heard of the Golden Rule, isn't it?

spyscribbler said...

LOL! Great post! Thanks for the laugh!

moonrat said...

"HA HA HA HA HA HA"

JaneyV said...

You are Karma's right hand gal ;0)

Anonymous said...

Conduit (and others), I'd have to say "yes" and only the beginning of what could be a very bad week . . . oh oh, I think I hear her coming . . . help me!

Da' Man

jjdebenedictis said...

*Snortgigglegigglegiggle*

I have not yet learned the ways of the wonderful HA HA, but I will strive to emulate you, OH wise mistress.

Sarah Hina said...

When is Da Man going to start his own blog? I'd love to see the two of you locked in funny combat. ;)

Ello said...

Hey, I'm trying to keep up beat even as I am in overload. This is my attempt at being upbeat, didn't it work?

by the way - all these things actually did happen to me, however I never actually poked a needle in a person's stinky foot but I really wished I did. I shoved it with my elbow and felt really disgusted that I touched his foot.

And perhaps Da Man needs to do a guest post one day soon.

Lisa said...

Guest post! Guest post! Let's hear from Da Man!

Bernita said...

I laughed. Loudly.
We need more Ha.

Mom In Scrubs said...

**Applause!!**

You go girl - I can't add anything except that you rock.

Don't even get me started on all the rude, thoughtless, dangerous and stupid people out there.

Darwin's gonna get 'em...you'll see. In the mean time, point and laugh.

Charles Gramlich said...

More proof that human beings are, for the most part, not intelligent.

pjd said...

I've read a little (not much) about the Tao and the Way of the Tao, but now I am thinking I might prefer the Way of the Ha.

Danette Haworth said...

Ello,
The last line of #2 made me laugh out loud!